I’m at a loss as to how to “deal” with the avalanche of terror I have been experiencing lately. This is a new thing for me and I would like to make it a thing of the past as quickly as possible. Because, I have to tell you, this is hell. I don’t know how to survive this. I don’t think I can live with it, much less manage it. I’ve been known to handle a lot but this…this is too much.
I can’t pinpoint specifically why I’m suddenly overcome with a tsunami of terror. I’m fine and then…I’m not. I’m engulfed, swept away, unable to stand, drowning in wave after wave of petrifying fear. The debris beats me, cuts me, wounds me. I can’t breathe, can’t think my way out of it and can’t distance myself from it.
It seems to start with me thinking about my life. But it’s not triggered so much by looking backward. Rather, it would appear looking forward is what sets everything off so intensely. Looking at all the work I need to do to get my house back in shape. Looking at all the work I need to do at work. Looking at all the work I need to do to get me in some kind of reasonable, healthy, normal mental, emotional and physical shape. The depression is so thick, it’s like trying to run in the thickest of molasses (or at least I’m told it would be a similar experience – as if someone has actually tried it). I’m so broken, I’m ashamed of being broken, and I work very hard trying to hide my brokenness. How to put all the pieces back together? How to get through this deep, murky swamp of molasses to solid ground? Can it even be done? Is there any such thing as solid ground? I’m in debt and I don’t know if I’ll ever get everything paid off. That terrifies me. Owing on my house is one thing, but the credit card debt is like a whirlpool, sucking me under again and again. And then there’s the isolation piece. How alone I am. How empty life is. How likely it is to continue this way. Because I’m so broken and undesirable. Yep, it’s all the challenges of the future that overwhelm me and cause the tsunami of terror to wash me away. My blood pressure has already gone up several notches as I attempt to put these few words on the page. My heart is beating faster. I’m starting to feel the panic.
There is a part of me that is frustrated over the fact that I have to deal with so many things other people never have to encounter or deal with. I’m just a little ticked off that my road is so hard while the road others get to take is somewhat easier, at least in general. I didn’t ask for this! I didn’t ask to be abused and broken and destroyed. I didn’t want to have an “aftermath” to work through. I don’t want to have to rebuild everything in my life because it was decimated by what happened to me as a child. And why does the stuff that happened so long ago still have to have such an impact on me anyway? Why can’t the impact lessen over time without having to do so much hard “work” to try to sort through it and set things back in order? Why did I get to be the “lucky” one with all the issues and hangups and destruction of my soul? Why did my heart have to be the one that was ground to dust?
Easy things are hard for me. Hard things are nearly impossible, requiring a massive effort and intense expenditure of energy and willpower.
Part of the terror arises when I feel myself so close to the edge of not making it. Not being able to muster. Not being able to pull it out of the hat. Not being able to perform and act even halfway normal. Not being able to live up to all the many expectations and requirements.
It’s bound to get harder in the future…as I get older…as I wear out even more. What am I going to do when I simply…can’t…go…on?
The sheer, absolute, raw, all-encompassing terror is far beyond my capability to manage or to live with. This is beyond me. I’m afraid this is the one thing I won’t be able to survive. It will surely suffocate me. It’s plainly too much. I can’t dig myself out of the avalanche of terror; there is no ground high enough to escape the tsunami of horror and fear. I am at the mercy of these mighty powers that seek to destroy me. They are forever sucking me under. I am drowning. There is no safety. The terror wins.