The World Will Spin Without Me

It will be as if I was never here.   As if I never had been. As if I never mattered. At all.

There will be no one to hold me when I die.  No one to mourn.  No one to miss me.

I will die alone.  No fanfare.

The world will spin without me.  It will go on.  The footprints I have made in the sand of time will quickly be eradicated.

Not that there will be many footprints left behind.  Not that there will be many…if any.  I haven’t left much of a mark.  Even though I have tried.  Even though I have desperately tried to leave a piece of myself behind.

No one will weep.  No one will hear the words I have written.  Or miss the words I might have written.  All the painful words  The honest and painful words I might have written.  I will leave no mark.  No permanent mark.  I will have no impact.  I will usher in no revelations.

I am a mere insignificant blip in the overall timeline of the expansive universe.  I mean nothing.  I am nothing.  I never have meant anything.  I never have been anything.

The stars will still shine at night.  The sun will still rule the daytime sky.  Clouds will still float as they are blown by the wind.  The seasons will still change.  The years will still pass.  My eyes will not see it.  I will not feel the heat and the cold and the wind and the rain and the snow.  It will continue, but I will not.  It will all spin.  Without me.

Time leaves us all behind at some point.  When we step out, when the door closes, when time ejects us from the stream, it’s over.  It’s done.  The world will go on.  It will spin without me.  The world will spin without me.

I will cease to exist.  I will cease to matter.  Not that I have ever mattered.

The one thing I wanted of life…the biggest and most important thing…was to be loved by someone.  Because if you are truly loved and cherished by someone, you are never alone.  You go on in the  heart of those others even after you are gone.  I wanted to leave a little piece of me behind.  I wanted the world to stop, even if just for one nanosecond, when I stepped off the planet.  I wanted to matter for that nanosecond.  I wanted to be someone.  Someone who left a mark.

There is no one here who will not experience that nanosecond.

We all know life goes on.  We all know we are going to die someday and that life will leave us behind.  But we want to believe the world will slow its spin and that someone will mourn our departure in that moment when we cease to exist.

But there is no one to mourn me after I am gone.  There is no reason to stop, or even slow, for a moment to grieve.  There is no one.  I am…alone.  Alone.

The world will spin without me.  The only thing I ever wanted is not to be.

To be young again. To have another chance.  To be loved.  Wanted.  Cared for.  To be able to do something that will make the world a different , better, more palatable place.  To leave something good behind.  I wanted so desperately to leave something worthwhile behind.

The world will spin without me.

It always has.

It always will.

Life goes on.

Whatever that mean.

The world will spin without me.  Long after I am gone.

 

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