If I Should Die

“If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.”

I had a really bad night a few nights ago.  A really bad night.

It started off with me just feeling extremely tired.  Later, I woke up with a bad acid reflux attack.  Thought that was the worst of it, but then I started to crash.  At least, I think I was crashing.  It’s a bit of a blur.

I realized too late that I was crashing.  Or was maybe crashing.  Probably crashing.  Went for the salt and potassium.  Knocked all the spices off the rack and broke the nutmeg bottle…it was glass; can you believe it?  Shards went everywhere.  I couldn’t think well enough to deal with it then, other than to get the pieces off the floor so my girls, my sweet Miniature Schnauzer girls, didn’t cut their little paws.

I drank a gallon of water with a sports additive included and held mouthfuls of salt on my tongue.  Used the last of my electrolyte strips.  I hadn’t been this bad off in a long time.

I don’t know why I crashed like this.  If I was crashing.

Whatever was going on, I was sick.  Extremely sick.

“…I pray the Lord my soul to take.”

I have been careful.  I haven’t thrown up as much.  I have gained weight and I’m very upset about how much I have gained.  Very upset.  About how much I’ve gained.  Gone up a size or two.  I’ve kept food and I’m upset about that.  Very upset.  Still purging, but not as much.  Not as radically.  But here I was…crashing.  As I used to crash when I was at my worst.  When I was throwing up 5 or more times a day.  Getting rid of everything I ate.  Everything.  I was in a scary place.   Back then.  Maybe not surviving.

Maybe.  Not.  Surviving.

And somehow I was in that place again.

The only reason it mattered, the only reason I wanted to live was my dogs.  My Schnauzers.  My babies.  They need me.  I love them.  I want to be there for them.

I prayed that God would let me live so I could be there for them.  They are the best dogs I’ve ever had.  I want to take care of them.  I want to protect them.  I want to be a good mommy for them.

They are all that matters to me here on earth.  They dance and go crazy when I come home.  Kiss my face.  Wiggle little stubs and run in circles.  Affectionately nip my arm.  Make me feel like I matter.  They care if I come home.  Without them, it wouldn’t matter if I came or went.   Without them, I am totally alone.  Otherwise, my life is not worth living.  Otherwise, I would have let the darkness take me.

But this night, my heart was beating too fast.  Hard.  I was freezing and then I was clammy, burning up, sweating, unable to breathe.  I couldn’t stand up.  I was too weak.  I thought I was going to die.  I prayed and asked God to help me.  Because my dogs are worth living for.  They depend on me.  They need me.

I need them.  I need their love.

They give me a reason to live.  They are my only reason to live.

If I should die before I wake…

Who will take care of my babies?

I need them.  They need me.

Because of them, I must not die before I wake.   Not yet.  Not now.



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