“If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.”
I had a really bad night a few nights ago. A really bad night.
It started off with me just feeling extremely tired. Later, I woke up with a bad acid reflux attack. Thought that was the worst of it, but then I started to crash. At least, I think I was crashing. It’s a bit of a blur.
I realized too late that I was crashing. Or was maybe crashing. Probably crashing. Went for the salt and potassium. Knocked all the spices off the rack and broke the nutmeg bottle…it was glass; can you believe it? Shards went everywhere. I couldn’t think well enough to deal with it then, other than to get the pieces off the floor so my girls, my sweet Miniature Schnauzer girls, didn’t cut their little paws.
I drank a gallon of water with a sports additive included and held mouthfuls of salt on my tongue. Used the last of my electrolyte strips. I hadn’t been this bad off in a long time.
I don’t know why I crashed like this. If I was crashing.
Whatever was going on, I was sick. Extremely sick.
“…I pray the Lord my soul to take.”
I have been careful. I haven’t thrown up as much. I have gained weight and I’m very upset about how much I have gained. Very upset. About how much I’ve gained. Gone up a size or two. I’ve kept food and I’m upset about that. Very upset. Still purging, but not as much. Not as radically. But here I was…crashing. As I used to crash when I was at my worst. When I was throwing up 5 or more times a day. Getting rid of everything I ate. Everything. I was in a scary place. Back then. Maybe not surviving.
Maybe. Not. Surviving.
And somehow I was in that place again.
The only reason it mattered, the only reason I wanted to live was my dogs. My Schnauzers. My babies. They need me. I love them. I want to be there for them.
I prayed that God would let me live so I could be there for them. They are the best dogs I’ve ever had. I want to take care of them. I want to protect them. I want to be a good mommy for them.
They are all that matters to me here on earth. They dance and go crazy when I come home. Kiss my face. Wiggle little stubs and run in circles. Affectionately nip my arm. Make me feel like I matter. They care if I come home. Without them, it wouldn’t matter if I came or went. Without them, I am totally alone. Otherwise, my life is not worth living. Otherwise, I would have let the darkness take me.
But this night, my heart was beating too fast. Hard. I was freezing and then I was clammy, burning up, sweating, unable to breathe. I couldn’t stand up. I was too weak. I thought I was going to die. I prayed and asked God to help me. Because my dogs are worth living for. They depend on me. They need me.
I need them. I need their love.
They give me a reason to live. They are my only reason to live.
If I should die before I wake…
Who will take care of my babies?
I need them. They need me.
Because of them, I must not die before I wake. Not yet. Not now.