Turtleneck

I have this odd quirk. About having things that are restrictive being tight up around my neck. 

For example, I can’t tolerate a turtleneck shirt.  Or a scarf wrapped closely around my neck.  Or a neckline that cuts across the front of my throat, putting pressure on my windpipe.

I can’t handle feeling  even the slightest pressure on my neck.  It freaks me out if anything is restricting my breathing.

It’s interesting, because when I was a child or even a young teen, I wore turtlenecks. They were warm and made sense in the cold weather. I actually liked them. But at some point after I left home at age 17, I developed a strong revulsion to having anything wrapped securely around my throat. At some time in my early 20’s, if not before, I no longer wore anything that put pressure on my neck. Even a slight pressure. I just couldn’t tolerate it.

The thing that makes it interesting, at least to me, is that it took so long for me to develop this aversion. 

Because, you see, the reason for the quirk is rooted firmly in my childhood.  In the sexual abuse I experienced.  In being forced to have oral sex with my father.  Being choked by him as he rammed his penis into my mouth.  Choking on his sperm.  Unable to get any air.  As he clutched me by the neck.

I can remember not being able to breathe as he repeatedly thrust his penis down my throat.  It panicked me.  Not being able to breathe.

I couldn’t breathe because he held me by the neck as he forced his engorged penis into my mouth; down my throat.

And so my aversion to turtlenecks was born.

I think the first time he forced me to have oral sex was when I was roughly 10 years old.  Maybe 9.  He had been escalating for some time.  His penis was huge.  I couldn’t breathe at all when he fucked my mouth.  When he rammed his penis so far down my throat I couldn’t get any air.

I can handle pain.  I can’t handle not being able to breathe.  Especially because of my father’s penis.  Rammed down my throat.  That kind of pain is unbearable.  Intolerable.

And so, I stopped wearing clothing that was restrictive.  Around my neck.  I stopped wearing turtlenecks or any other item of clothing that constricted my airway.

When you have had a man’s huge penis forced down your throat on many occasions, when you have not been able to breathe because of that engorged penis being rammed, crammed, slammed down your throat, it breaks you.  You become one of the walking wounded.

You will never be the same.

I have never been the same. 

I haven’t worn a turtleneck in over 30 years.

I still panic if I can’t breathe.  Respiratory infections.  Sinus infections.  They destroy me.

Just like turtlenecks.

They destroy me.

I just want to breathe.  Freely.

I just want to forget when I couldn’t breathe.

 

6 thoughts on “Turtleneck”

  1. I’m sorry to hear about it dear. I found it very brave of you to share your story with so much details and honesty. I wish you well inyour path to recovery. Sending you love! XO Nina

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