Another Thanksgiving

Here we are again.  Thanksgiving day.

I am broken in many ways.  And I am broke.  But I am thankful.  For many things.

I’m thankful that I have a job, even if it’s not ideal.  Even if it doesn’t pay very much.  Even if I’m barely making it. Barely, really not making it.  Some income is so much better than no income.  Last year at this time, I had no income.  No job.  It’s far from ideal.  But I’m thankful to have a job.

I’m thankful that my car still runs.  It’s old.  I thank God every morning when it starts. When it takes me where I need to go.  And gets me home.

Hannah & Zoe 10-31-2015 fb1I’m extremely thankful for my two little girl dogs.  My Hannah (Squirtsy, Wiggle Monkey, Velcro Dog, Half Pint) and my Zoe (Sweet Face, Smartsy, Tender Heart, Snuggle Bunny).  They make life worth living.  They greet me with wiggles and kisses and happy dances when I come home.  They fill my house with life.  They make me want to keep living, even though I really don’t want to keep on living.  I can’t abandon them.  They mean everything to me.  Everything.  I want to be there for them in every way.  To meet their needs.  To give them all the love they need.  Because they make the world, my world, ever so much better.  I never want to hurt them.  Or let them down.

I’m thankful to be out of debt.  Mostly.  I am living paycheck to paycheck, but so far, I’ve been able to pay my bills every month.  Pretty much.  Mostly.  The huge credit card debt that hung over my head for so long is gone.  Paid it off when I sold my house last year.  It left me with nothing, but being out of debt is a huge blessing.  I have expenses that are hard to manage and I can’t always make ends meet.  I can’t always take care of everything I need to take care of.  But I’m not waking up most nights panicked because I am facing utter financial destruction. I’m not waking up in terror.  Hyperventilating.  Waiting for the end.  Knowing time is running out.

I still wake up worrying at times.  About many things.  But I’m very thankful to not have that crushing debt.  I’m extremely thankful.

I am thankful for family who got me through some very, very, very difficult times.  Times I wouldn’t have made it through otherwise.  Times that would have left me homeless and desolate had it not been for their intervention.  Situations that would have meant giving up my dogs.  Which would mean giving up on life.  Figuratively and literally.

I’m thankful that God – maybe – hasn’t abandoned me. I’m hanging on to Him in every way I know.  Trying to believe He cares.  That He has a plan for me.  A good plan.  To prosper me and not to harm me.  Please, let it be true.  I need Him.  I need His help.  I’m thankful that He hasn’t given up on me.  Please, God, don’t give up on me.

I’m thankful I have enough to eat. Maybe too much to eat.  I’m thankful I have wine to drink. Maybe too much to wine to drink.

I’m thankful for insurance that will allow me to go to the doctor when needed and that will finally let me get prescriptions filled when I need them.  For the last few months, this hasn’t been the case.  It’s cost me over $400 dollars for those prescriptions.  Couldn’t afford to fill them.  New insurance starting 12/1…it will allow me to get the medication I need.  I’m thankful.  I don’t need much medication.   But what I need, I need.  And now I can afford it.  Thankful.

I’m thankful I’m not obese.  I used to be.  I’m not as thin as I want to be, but I’m not overweight.  That is an incredible blessing in so very many ways.  I’m thankful beyond what my words can express.    It could be so much worse.  So much worse.  Thankful it’s not so much worse, even as I’m hoping it will soon be better.

I’m thankful for heat when it is cold outside and air when it is hot outside.  I’m thankful for a washer and dryer. For clean clothes.  Clothes that I pretty much enjoy wearing.  Clean, pretty dishes.  For electricity.  An electric blanket.  A computer that connects me to the world outside my isolated and empty bubble.  Coffee.  A back yard where my girls can run and play.  For the trees around my house and the birds that serenade me from their branches.  A good roof over my head.  A few friends who care.  A fairly comfortable house to rent that isn’t a dump and is in a relatively safe neighborhood.  Pictures on the wall that I enjoy.  Little trinkets around me that make me smile. Good health.  Few aching joints.  The ability to walk and to see, to hear and to breathe.  I’m thankful to live in a country that isn’t torn by war, where soldiers rape and pillage.  Imperfect, yes.  But it’s still the land of the free and the home of the brave.  I’m thankful for the freedoms we enjoy.

I could focus on the hard things, the bad things, the ugly things.  I often do…it’s one of my many flaws.  But I’m trying to remember to focus more on the good.  Because even though there is much bad, there is good too.  I choose to be thankful for the good.  Wherever I can find it.

Happy Thanksgiving.  May we all find many things in our life for which to be thankful.


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