I do not know.
For something I do not have,
Much of my life has been spent in the state of waiting for something I do not have, but that I need desperately.
I am weary of waiting.
Lately, I have been waiting for a job. Hopefully the right position will become available. But any real opportunity will do. I have nothing. To begin to rebuild my life, I must have a job. So, I am waiting; waiting for a job I do not have, but need desperately.
For many years…more years than I like to remember…I was waiting for my husband to finally love and want me. I needed him to want me. To love me. I waited, believing the day would come. Instead, he pulled the plug and walked away. Leaving me waiting for love I did not have, but that I needed desperately.
I still need it. I’m still waiting to find someone who can love me. Someone to want me. I have waited a very, very long time. My need is intense. My hope is miniscule.
I wait for redemption. For restoration. I sit in the darkness and wait. I need a fresh start. A wave of hope. I bit of strength. A new outlook. A second chance. Or maybe it is a fifth or sixth chance. I am waiting. For that which I do not have, but need. Desperately.
I have waited for things I could not put my finger on. Things I couldn’t easily define or explain. For things that were vague and foggy and undefined. Happiness. Expectancy. Joy. Freedom. Purpose. Self-worth. Words that held great meaning; meaning that was so complex and encompassing, it was not easily expressed nor quickly understood. I wait still. I wait for these important things I do not have, but need desperately.
I wait alone. I wait without anticipation. But what else can I do but sit here in this moment of time that is “now” and linger. Hoping without hope. Believing without belief. With want and desire so vast, I dare not even fantasize a conclusion. My need is great. So I wait. For things I do not have. Things I desperately need.
Minutes have slipped unnoticed from my hand. Years have spun about me, painting lines upon my face. I am empty and numb. Tired and dejected. Without dreams. Hoping only to survive. Still seeking some brighter future. Some reason to live. My need is great. I wait. I wait for a reality I do not have. That I have never known. I wait for these things that I need desperately.
So much of my life has come and gone. So much brokenness. So much pain. So few highs. Too many lows. Too much darkness. Far, far too little light. The sun and moon have done their dance around me for decades. Stars have been born and stars have died. Fall has been swallowed by winter, winter by spring, spring by summer, summer by fall. Repeatedly. Until I lost count of the years. But I have watched. Waiting. For things I do not have, but need desperately.
Now, with so little time remaining, still I am waiting. The seasons for things to have come to fruition have come and gone. Much of what I needed will never be provided because that season has passed. Long passed. There aren’t so many options available now. Not many roads that can be taken. Not many dreams that can be realized. Sometimes, I no longer know what I’m waiting for.
Still I wait.
For something I do not have,
but need desperately.
I fear I mostly wait to die.