Chess

I feel as if I am a pawn on a chess board.

The game is heated, hot and heavy, and there is much at stake. I have no idea what is going on. I don’t know which direction to move. Or if I should move at all.  I am but a pawn. A lowly pawn.  Expendable.

I am apprehensive.   I fear the other players.  They have confidence and authority.  They have purpose and options.  I have none.  I am lost, confused and afraid.

I didn’t expect to be the queen.  But I certainly didn’t set out to be a pawn.  I would have liked to be a rook or a bishop. A knight, perhaps. Maybe if I were of greater importance, someone who had more strength and value, I would have a better understanding of the meaning behind the competition. But as it is, powerful people are vigorously playing the game with great intensity and focus.  They are waltzing all about me while I stand on my tile, fearing their next move, waiting to be eliminated.

I am of no consequence.

Others thrive, make daring exchanges, take opponent’s pieces.  Others lunge forward with purpose and conviction.  Others gain important ground.  The queen, the powerful, mighty queen, flaunts her authority, knocking irrelevant players from the board.  Caring not.  She is the queen, after all.  How dare lesser men defy her!  God help me if I find myself in her way.  She will sacrifice me without a thought.  I am nothing to her.  Nothing.

I am nothing to anyone.

Players move in predictable patterns, but in ways and at times that can’t be predicted.  I am frozen on my small square, watching them stride with assurance and composure.  They know where they are going.  They understand their purpose.  They demonstrate self-confidence, strength, and power.  They understand the game and know how to play it.

I pray they do not see me.  I am fairly certain they are predators and I am their prey. 

They want me out of the way.

While they move precisely about the board, their movements a dance of daring, authority, and certainty, I stumble, stagnate, and stall.  It is only a matter of moments until I will be taken completely out of the game.  I, who have no power.  I, who can offer nothing worthwhile.  Who is of no significance.  I have no meaning.  I add nothing.  I exist to be sacrificed.

I look up to them.  They look down on me.  They push me around and brush me aside.  They determine how to best use me.

This is my life.  Complex.  Frightening.  Daunting.  Overwhelming.  Terrifying.  I am powerless and unneeded.  I do not know the rules.  I do not have the moves.  I am not able to take the leaps they take.  Not even when they manipulate me into a corner.  Not even when my life depends on it.

Pawns always lose.  I am a good pawn.  I lose often.

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