Angry

I am angry.  Really angry. With God.  Stupid, I know.  For all the good it will do me.  But there, I said it.  I’m boiling angry with Him and here are the reasons why.

Very early in my Christian walk, I did something really awful.  I was deceived and believed it wasn’t awful. But over the span of a few months, I began to realize, just because all the rules changed when I became a Christian, some things didn’t change and this thing was one of them.  It was a relationship.  A wrong relationship.  And I broke it off as soon as I realized the deception and sin.  I begged God for forgiveness.  I begged Him to take me back, make me clean again, to be my friend and lord.  But a chasm had been opened and nothing I did or said seemed able to close it.  It was as if I had one chance and having screwed up, I was forever doomed to be kept at a distance and cast away.  For years, I prayed, read the Bible every day, repented, did my best to keep all sin out of my life…but nothing changed.  God had become a distant and uncaring, demanding and cold, Father.  I had been rejected. And nothing could ever make me acceptable.

I thought God was kind enough to have a little mercy on me when He lead me to the man I eventually married.  I fell so deeply in love.  I wasn’t looking for a relationship at the time.  Didn’t expect one.  I sought prayer and guidance from some solid Christians because I didn’t want to make another stupid mistake.  I received reassurance from God, in my heart, and from others who prayed with and for me.  They felt God was leading us together.  So I put my fears aside and married.  Only to find out a few short months later that he didn’t love me; didn’t even really like me.  I was a continual disappointment to him.  He disdained the things that matter to me.  Everything about me was wrong and unacceptable.  And I died inside a little more every day until I was nothing more than a zombie.  The walking dead.  I was faithful to him for 22 years, praying for a miracle.  Believing the best God could do for a worthless mess like me was to find someone who would tolerate me.  And then, even being tolerated was too much to ask.  He left me for another woman after all that time.  After I gave him my youth and my heart.  All hope was lost and I crashed.  My life has never been the same.

While I know I haven’t done everything in the best possible way throughout my life, I have sought God’s counsel continually.  I have sinned.  I have made wrong choices.  But I have tried to the best of my ability to be the Christian God would want me to be.  In the process, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong has gone wrong and I have been continually rejected.  By friends, employers, my spouse, family.  Nothing I ever was or did was good enough to buy me any degree of acceptance.  And I’ve worked hard to be good enough.  Very, very hard.  While others found mentors who encouraged them and helped them to succeed, I’ve been thrown away, overlooked, judged and found to have no value.  Others have found surrogate parents.  People who made a difference in the course of their life.  I prayed for parental figures in my life and had exactly zero people who fit that role.  Zero.  I have had to go it alone.  I have had to take the hard road and do things the hard way.  I have had to fight for every scrap.

Do I deserve better?  No.  I’m a sinner, a failure, a mess.  I try.  To do the right things.  To perform.  To be good.  To make a difference.  To be what I’m supposed to be.  But I’m like everyone else in that I experience varying degrees of success in my attempts to be perfect.  I don’t deserve better; but I expected a little more from God.

First of all, there’s that forgiveness thing.  As in, He says He will, if we turn from our sin; if we turn to Him.  Then, there’s the grace and mercy thing He’s supposed to have going on.  And He’s supposed to love us.  All of us.  Even me.  And He’s supposed to supply some wisdom to influence us when we ask for it.  And provide for our needs.  You know, ask and you shall receive and all that.

Good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people.  Life is like that.  But we are supposed to be able to pray for, and receive, God’s protection, help, provision, healing and guidance.  I know I’m pa pretty inferior, worthless piece of meat…but, damn it!  I’m NOT chopped liver!  I’m a human being too, though a vastly inferior human being.  One who has called out to Him, begged and pleaded for His forgiveness and acceptance, done the best I could in really bad situations and tried to do what was right, even when it was hard.  Why won’t He help me?  Why won’t He accept me?  Why?!!!

And now, the most wonderful, perfect, sweet little dog I’ve ever had is sick.  Her liver is not functioning properly.  She’s only three years old and I shouldn’t have to be worrying about her at this stage in life.  But I’m very worried.  And I pray for her all the time.  Again, begging.  For God to heal her.  She is so precious to me.  She is all I have to live for.  All I ask is that He give her a little touch and fix what is broken.  Is that really asking too much from a big, powerful and mighty God?  A God who is supposed to care?

Oh, and how about a job?  It’s been over a year.  I’ve applied for hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of positions.  Positions for which I am amply qualified, which proven experience and ability.  Over 25 years of experience.  And 90% of the time, I don’t even get an interview.  I’ve also applied for jobs I could do with one hand, in my sleep, with no effort.  Jobs I’m vastly overqualified to handle.  But they don’t interview me either.  Why?  What is going on?  Why are God and the universe against me?

Yes, I’m old.  I have wrinkles and sags.  Employers see this and they have a choice of a young person or me.  They choose the young person.  But where is the “God factor” in all of this?  The provision?  The opening of doors and leading me to a place where I can belong?  Where is God?  And why does He hate me?

I may not be much, but I expect more from God.  What I’m experiencing doesn’t line up with His Word and that makes me mad.  So, God, if you aren’t going to come through, don’t make the promises.  If you aren’t going to love everyone…even me…don’t say you do.  If you don’t want a relationship with worthless pieces of crap like me, don’t put it in writing and say that you want a relationship with everyone.  And try communicating!  Stop slamming doors in my face and help me with at least a few things here.  You won’t heal me, but can you please heal my dog?  You don’t love me, but she is nothing but a little unconditional love machine.  If that doesn’t touch your heart, what will?  Just THINK in her direction and she will be okay!  Can’t you do that one little thing for me?  Just this once?  You won’t help me or open any doors to provide a job for me, in spite of all my effort, but can you please provide for her?  Please?  Won’t you let me have her for a normal life span?  A life span that is already too short?  Or are you going to rip her away from me this early because she means everything to me?

Why are you still punishing me?  For that relationship so long?  For my every failure?  My utter decimation isn’t enough payment?  What do you want from me?  Why do you hate me so?

It may be what I deserve.  But I expected more.  I expected a little bit better.  From you, God.  I expected you to love me.  Even though no one else in the world can love me.  I expected mercy.  I expected guidance.  I expected protection and care.  I’ve never had that; not from anyone on earth.  But I expected it from you.  I expected you to be who you say you are.  And I’m beyond disappointed that you haven’t come through.  I believed.  I believed you.  But now, I’m just angry.  With both of us.  And I don’t believe anymore.  Your live is a lie, at least for me.  I’m tired of hanging on, waiting for your approval and assistance. 

Prove me wrong.  Heal my dog.  Then I may be able to hang on a little longer.  Just one act of mercy and intervention in almost 60 years…can you do that?  Or do I have a very real reason to be angry with you?

 

 

 

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