You know how it is sometimes.  You hear something and it goes way deep.  It hits the target.  Painfully.  That’s what happened to me this past Sunday at church when the guy leading worship said,  “I think there is someone here who needs to hear this.  Several people even.”  And “this” was, “God has not forsaken you.” 
As in me.  God has not forsaken me.  That’s the bullet that went straight to my heart.  And lodged there. Causing me to contemplate my situation.
I’m torn.
On one hand, I can see evidence of His involvement in my life.   On the other…
You see, while I have struggled, and struggled mightily, my ex inherited over 3 million dollars worth of property that is totally paid for in a place I would love to live.  Along with that, he receives enough income from his inheritance that he doesn’t really have to work.    He has remarried and, from all reports, has a happy union.  He has friends that he actually gets to see.  Family all around.  He has a job he loves (even though he doesn’t need the money).  In short, he has been blessed.  Abundantly.  That looks to me like a person who has NOT been forsaken.  It appears that he is receiving favor.  And yet, he’s the one who left me for another woman.   He is the one who should have had to suffer, at least a little bit, because he wronged me.
I have, in most ways, been cursed, or so it would seem.  I have many flaws, but I was willing to forgive him and desired to work through our painful issues in hopes we could finally have a real marriage.  I was not without blame.  I’m not saying I was a saint.  If you have read any of my blogs, you know I have my issues and failings.  But if he was worthy of blessing, why am I the one who has been nearly destroyed?
Yes, I have been rescued.  Having lost my job through no fault of my own…the 3rd job I have lost in the lost 9 years…I have nothing.  I am THANKFUL beyond words that my brother and his wife and my aunt did rescue me.  But I don’t want to require rescuing. 
I want the house I worked hard for, the ability to pay off debt without having to sell it, a good paying job where I’m treated fairly, a partner who loves me and wants me, friends, family, something to live for (other than my dogs).  I want to be blessed too.  I want love, security, trust, joy, happiness, a life. I want healing and wholeness.  I want to be able to travel and rest now that I am nearing the end of my days.  Instead, I am going to have to find the will to start over.
I know a great deal of life is about how you look at it and what you make of it.  In this situation, I can see both sides.  I can see that I am in a situation that could have been much, much worse.  One where I could easily have become homeless.  Easily.  Where I wouldn’t have food or shelter or be able to keep my dogs…and they are the only reason I keep going.  So losing them would be the end of me.  I am thankful we’re not living out of my 15 year old car, with no gas money, no money, period, no job, no yard for the girls to run and play in, no vet care, dental care, medical care.  I see miracles all along the path that brought me to this place, tucked away in my brother’s house.  Because without those miracles, I know I would be utterly and completely destroyed and decimated.
And yet, I lost everything but my two little Miniature Schnauzers.  I am totally dependent on others for all that I need.  For all my dogs need.  I am destroyed, but not yet fully destroyed.  I am empty, but not yet fully empty.  I am broken, but not yet utterly broken. Everything feels hopeless and as if there is no reason to keep trying.  Because when God has forsaken you, you are truly without hope.
The question is, has He forsaken me?  Where do I look?  Where should I place my eyes?  On the reality of my situation as I have and am experiencing it?  Or on the unseen God who, supposedly, still loves me and who is still by my side.  Working.  Helping.  Me.
It looks as if I have been forsaken.  It looks as if all hope is lost.  Dreams are crushed.  My heart is broken.  I am afraid and floundering. 
But things are not always the way they appear. 
And so I hold on.  Just a little bit longer.

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