Feeling

I don’t know what I feel at the moment.
 
I just sold my house.  Hopefully, the sale will go through and there won’t be any problems.  Hopefully I will walk away with enough to pay off my debt so I don’t have to declare bankruptcy.
 
I just sold my house.  I’m broken-hearted.  This was my dream house.  I love it.  It is my safe haven.  I will be leaving it on April 5th.  I’m going to have to walk away from my dream.  I will have nothing left.  The pain is almost unbearable.  I picked every fixture, altered the floor plan, upgraded and made this a place of lightness and airiness to help keep the darkness and depression at bay.  Now, I will be living in the darkness.  And I’m terrified.
 
I am leaving the city where I have lived for the last 30+ years.  This is where I have built my life.  My friends are here…even though I rarely see them.  There is more opportunity here than in many places.  This is the place I know.  And the winters, while not ideal, are more mild that what is typically encountered in much of the country.  That is very important to me.  Very.  Important.
 
I’m leaving the city where I have lived for the last 30+ years.  There is nothing holding me here any more.  I have no job.  I have friends, but I rarely, if ever, see them.  I like the weather here much better than where I am going.  I don’t fair well in the winter.  At all.  But I will be close to family.  And old friends who seem to want to see me.  I probably won’t be as isolated. 
 
I probably won’t be as isolated.  That terrifies me.  I don’t know how to be close.  I don’t know how to connect.  I’m not even sure who I am…other than knowing I’m pretty screwed up.  I have an eating disorder that doesn’t fit well when not in isolation.  I am a broken, haunted, extremely imperfect person.  How am I going to manage?  Connections are frightening and they drain my energy.  I don’t know if I can manage the interaction.  Being who I am is not safe.  Being vulnerable is not safe.  Being real is not safe.  How am I going to hide with so many people around me?
 
I probably won’t be as isolated.  That is probably a healthy change.  Even though it terrifies me.  I don’t know how I’m going to deal with it.  I’m afraid to be real…I don’t even know who I am, really!  I’m afraid to be vulnerable.  But I will probably have more of an opportunity to be the real me, whoever that might be, and still be accepted, than I’ve ever had before.  Maybe I won’t have to hide as much any more.  That could be freeing.
 
Maybe I won’t have to hide as much any more.  Hiding has hurt me.  It has isolated me.  It has made me feel worthless and unwanted and rejected.  Not that I need to air all my ugliness and brokenness.  But maybe I can connect with people in a real way because I will not have to try to be another person all the time.  Maybe I can discover myself in the process.
 
Maybe I won’t have to hide as much any more.  That’s horrifying!  Talk about rejection…now I’m being rejected for the mask that I display to the world.  What if they see some of who I am and I’m rejected for being me?  There won’t be any defense against that kind of pain!
 
I will be starting over.  I have nothing…well, if I’m lucky, I will have nothing.  No debt hanging over me.  I won’t have a house.  I own an old car.  Two dogs.  Some furniture and clothes and that’s it.  If I’m not lucky, I will still have debt and be facing bankruptcy.  But starting over…that could be a good thing.  I haven’t been living life for a very long long time.  I don’t even know if it’s possible to truly live.  To have joy.  To wake up and be glad to be alive.  But maybe, maybe, in starting over, there will be some good things coming my way.  A new beginning.  A chance to live differently.  To live.  Maybe God does have a good plan for me and this is the beginning of my improved future.
 
I will be starting over.  I have nothing…well, if I’m lucky, I will have nothing.  If I’m not lucky, I will still have to declare bankruptcy.  Starting over as a senior is daunting.  It’s frightening.  It’s kind of late in the game for attempting a new beginning.  All of the garbage that is me is going to be moving with me into the shelter my brother is providing.  So how will anything change?  Except that I will have less.  And I am going to have to find a job, even though the thought of having to sell myself to a new employer is very unappealing.  My ego is at an all-time low.  I feel worthless.  How can I start over at this point, considering I’m still such a mess and am so very low on resources?
 
I’ve lost all my dreams.  They are crushed and broken, laying at my feet, destroyed.  I have nothing to look forward to.  The future looks bleak and empty.
 
I’ve lost all my dreams.  They are crushed and broken, laying at my feet, destroyed.  So what do I have to lose?  The future can hardly be worse than the past has been…and maybe it will even be a little better?  Maybe there will be something good to be found in all the bad and the hard and the stress and the terror. 
 
This is my life at the moment.  Back and forth.  Around and around.  Filled with fear and anxiety and what appear to be insurmountable problems.  I don’t know what to think about what is happening.  I don’t know what I feel.  I’m too battered and bruised.  Yet somehow, I’m still putting one foot in front of the other.  And on April 5th, my family is taking me in.  My house, if all goes well, will become another persons dream home.  I will have to release it at the end of April.  Then nothing will tether me to earth other than my dogs, Zoe and Hannah.  I will be like a flag that has come undone from the rigging that held it to the pole.  The wind will take me where it will.  And where it will take me, I haven’t a clue, beyond the move to a colder climate where my brother and aunt live.  That is all I can see of the future. 
 
What I feel about all of this is anyone’s guess.  All I know for certain is that I’m lost and confused.  Tired.  Frightened.  I’ll have to wait and see what happens.  If I had any hope left, I would hope for the best.  But my hope is also blowing away in the wind.  And where we will land, me and my little mustard seed of hope, no one but God knows.
 
I will try to plant this tiny mustard seed and see if anything comes of it.
 

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