The Answer

I lost my job.  No miracle for me.  No mercy.  Judged and found lacking. Sent packing.  My prayers for mercy, for freedom, for help, for hope…answered.  Door slammed.  No options.  Once again, I lose.  And it’s all my fault.  So there’s no one to hate but myself.
 
I recently got an e-mail from my ex-boss about how employees are expected to be at work and stay for their entire shift when we have bad weather.  Snow.  Ice.  Sleet.  The job is the most important thing…it has to be done and people need to get to work regardless of road conditions.  They must do their job.  As if we don’t all know we need to be there…it’s just the “how do we do this” that is terrifying, right?  How do we get there without killing or hurting ourselves or without suffering property damage? But it is a given that we have to go.  Oh, some employers are more caring about the safety of their employees.  But I found the attitude expressed in the e-mail to be so cold, it hurt my heart.  It was even colder than the icy, snowy weather.
 
I made the stupid mistake of commenting about how this made me feel on my Facebook account.  That it hurt and was discouraging that people don’t really matter.  That the disregard for safety was wrong.  That it sucked.
 
I was fired for expressing this view.  A view that differed from that of my ex-boss.  I didn’t post anything confidential, proprietary, nothing about the customer.  Nothing secret or that needed to be protected.  Just what he said about how everyone had better be at work regardless of weather conditions and how that made me feel.  Like people aren’t valued at all.  Also, my Facebook privacy settings are locked down.  Only friends.  No indexing.  No one should have been able to see what I wrote even if someone shared it because it should have showed up as “attachment unavailable.”  It wasn’t even the topic of the status update!  I posted the comment in response to a friend’s question posted below my update, asking if I could possibly work from home during bad weather. But somehow, the corporate office saw the comment beneath a picture of my dog covered in snow.  And I was fired.  For something never intended as an attack or rant.  Just words from a hurting, frightened heart, concerned about our employees and how we would all get to work in the storm.
 
They fired me.  Proving my point.
 
Had I posted something that was confidential or slanderous, naming names, or something of that nature, I would expect to be terminated.  I would never have done that, but I would feel justice was served in that case because I would deserve whatever happened.  I confess, I never dreamed I would be fired for expressing my opinion about an attitude about employees that I found discouraging and hurtful.  One that I think is basically wrong and short-sighted.  It simply never occurred to me that this would be “bad” or crossing a line in any way.  It’s just my opinion.  I was simply talking about how I feel and how that kind of attitude makes me feel worthless. 
 
After which, I found out just how worthless I truly am.
 
I have no resources.  I’m $36,000 in debt and I’ve only been in my house for 11 years, so I’m sure I don’t have all that much equity.  I have no one to bail me out. No hope. 
 
I will either have to declare bankruptcy (likely) or I will have to try to sell…and if I’m fortunate enough to be able to do so, I will be even luckier if I can get enough to pay off the balance of the loan.  It would take a miracle to come out with enough to pay off my huge credit card debt that started to become an out-of-control monster during my last bout of unemployment, when I had to use them to live.  And if I do sell, pay off the home loan, pay off the debt, I will not even be able to rent an apartment because I have no job.  It will take a miracle of gigantic proportions to find another job quickly.
 
I did speak to a bankruptcy attorney and she suggested filing chapter 7 and walking away.  With nothing.  My excellent credit in ruins.  Which is probably what I will be forced to do.  I’m out of options.  Out of hope. 
 
I have tried so hard.  I have failed.  Everything I touch turns to shit.
 
I apologize for using a curse word.  I’m hurting and terrified and my entire world, the one I have been precariously balancing for so long, praying for God to save me, has just fallen and broken into a zillion pieces.  I can’t see any way to continue moving forward.  To continue to live.  I have nowhere to go and no one to keep me from drowning.  Not that it matters.  I’m nothing but a tiny black dot in this massive universe.  I am nothing.  I want to matter.  I want to be worthy of love, attention, worth saving.  But it doesn’t appear that I am.  There is something about me that is fatally flawed. Something I have never been able to fix or change.
 
I don’t know if God cares, considering how screwed up I am; considering how much I screw up everything I touch.  I am so in need of Him and yet, I can’t find Him now that I need him the most.  I’m being tormented by my terror.  I can barely sleep.  I finally drifted off this morning only to awake 20 minutes later gasping for breath with my heart beating like a machine gun.  I’ve slept about 11 hours max in the last 3 days and that has been in bits and pieces.  My heart is crying out.  There is no answer.  No comfort.  My God, what have I done?  What is it about me that makes me so worthless?  So despicable?  So unworthy of mercy?
 
I think, I fear, I am finally at the end.  I know that I am at the end of myself.  Gutted.  Shot through the heart.  The end of everything I have known, worked for, tried to attain or reach.  I have nothing left.  No financial or internal reserves.  No place to go.  No next step.  Just the abyss, one breath ahead.   And it’s all because I’m obviously a stupid, inadequate, worthless person who can’t seem to do anything right or well enough.  Someone who can never be good enough.  Oh, my, yes…that has become ever so clear.
 
The answer to my prayers?  Rejected.  Found lacking.  Unworthy of love or mercy.  Judged and thrown out, without hope.  Cast into the darkness.  And the darkness…that I have fought my entire life…has finally won.
 

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