I am alone, always alone. Lost in the darkness of an empty existence. Wrapped in the cocoon of complete isolation. Trying to break out. Longing to break free. Longing to fly away. But my butterfly wings haven’t developed. I cannot fly. I can’t even crawl out or break a single fiber that binds me in this dungeon of seclusion. My eyes cannot yet see. They have not properly formed. I haven’t the strength to tear this prison apart. I’m underdeveloped. Lacking the strength that comes from maturity, though not the age. Wisdom and wholeness have not yet come to me. I am weary of fighting my way through the days and years. I am weary of trying to grow. Of trying to progress. These threads that bind me are so tight. So strong. And I am so alone, always alone. Lost in the darkness of an empty existence. I seek meaning and purpose. And connection. It eludes me. For beyond caring for my two little Miniature Schnauzers, I have none. None. At all. They need me. But I do not matter much to any other being. I go weeks, months, without any contact with people outside of my work. Superficial relationships float in and out of focus. I bump into these coworkers, never connecting, never sharing, and never becoming the least bit vulnerable. I try to perform to expectations. To earn my keep. Then I go home to my dogs. My Zoe. My Hannah. They jump up and down in utter ecstasy, so excited that I am home. They follow me everywhere. They sit on me when I sit. They love me. I love them. I am their sun and moon and stars. They are my universe. My galaxy. I want more. I want to know and be known. I long to hold and be held. Love and be loved. Share, connect, touch, laugh together with another who sees me, knows me, wants me. I want to give them a safe and joyful place where they know they are always welcome. I ache for that with another. To give. To receive. To belong. I treasure my dogs. I want them to continue to be a part of my life. But I want to expand the planets that orbit my small, barren world. I seek meaning and purpose. And connection. It eludes me. I want to know life. To understand why people say it is precious. Why they hold on to it with both hands and tight fists. Why they desire it, grasp it, see such rich value in living. I know despair. I have experienced depression, abuse and hopelessness. Bleakness. Rejection. Destruction. Pain, terror, struggles. It’s not that I expect everything to be easy and wonderful and joyful. I totally understand there will always be pain with the joy, fear with the trust, ugliness with the goodness, hardship with blessings, tears with laughter, trouble with happiness, uncertainty with certainty, tenderness along with the harshness. I accept that. I would welcome that. My life has almost exclusively, overwhelmingly, consisted of the dark side, the hard side, the fearful part. The priceless and glorious has not happened. I want to know that part. I want to know life. To understand why people say it is precious. Why they hold on to it with both hands and tight fists. I want my heart to compel me to dance in the rain. To dance because I have a deep knowing that even though it is horribly stormy right now, tomorrow will be different. Better. The sun will shine. The mud will dry. The musty dampness will be baked from the world and glorious blue skies will prevail. They will cover me with joy and endless possibilities. The gentle breeze will blow away the raindrops while tenderly caressing me. My heart will be renewed. I will watch the flowers sprout from the rich, saturated earth, smell their glorious smells, absorb their intense colors, touch their soft petals and thrill at the texture. I want to know that kind of fullness. Of having emerged from the broken, battered, barren places I have survived. I want to know I have finally made it through…because the storms can’t last forever. I want this to be the truth. One I can believe and embrace. I want my heart to compel me to dance in the rain.
I want to open like a flower. I long to leap like a ballerina, to whirl and spin, strong and graceful. I desire to feel deeply, to connect genuinely, to dance the dance of life in all of its glory before I relinquish my breath. Before my eyes close for the final time. I want to laugh with abandon. Speak without calculating every word. Remove the walls. Lower the shield. Cast away the armor. I want to be light and free. Just for awhile. I want to risk the sting of the bee. The prick of the thorn. Because the beauty of the bouquet far surpasses the small amount of pain. I want to know that kind of world. Before I pass through the veil, never to return. Before I lay my body down and it becomes dust once again. I want to open like a flower. I long to leap like a ballerina, to whirl and spin, strong and graceful.
I want to take back what was stolen. Experience the amazing, crazy world that has been out of reach. I don’t want my abusers to win. I don’t want them to have succeeded in destroying me. I desire to rise above, to triumph, to overcome. Not just survive. Not simply endure. I want to be able to trust and enjoy and delight. To smile from the center of my soul. To cast off the cancer that has eaten away all the wonder and jubilation. To be healthy and whole. To experience a miracle. I want to take back every little thing that was stolen. I want to be restored.
I’m told that life is glorious as well as painful. That it’s more than suffering. I want to step beyond the pain and grief. I want to drink of it fully. Until I’m drunk. Completely and utterly intoxicated. I want it to take me to the heights. Far beyond the depths where I have hidden away, hurting, fearful, trying to be invisible in the darkness. I want life to kiss me. Caress me. Make love to me. To show me the glorious beauty it holds. Because I have lived with the pain too long. And I need to know it was for a reason, that it is worth the suffering, worth enduring. I need to dance without being encumbered, dance with life, dance until I can’t dance another step. Then I will lay down and surrender. Then I will go peacefully. Then I will ask no more. I will let go of the thread and become one with the stars and the sky and the earth and the air. Then my regrets will vanish in the clear blue sky. And I will know contentment. And I will rest in the rightness of it all.