Over It

I don’t talk about what happened to me.  I blog about it, but I don’t talk about it.  To anyone.  And there is a really good reason for that.
 
First of all, it happened a long time ago.  Even I think I should be over it.  I’m ashamed that I’m NOT over it.  I’m ashamed that it continues to have an effect on me to this day in the choices I make and the way I see the world.  I’ve tried hard to recover.  I’ve been in individual counseling for years upon years.  I’ve gone to 12-step Celebrate Recovery groups.  I’ve taken classes.  I’ve read books.  I’ve completed workbooks.  I’ve prayed.  I’ve had others pray for me.  I’ve even gone to a healing prayer center on several occasions.  I’ve journaled and blogged and written poems.  I’ve tried.  And it has cost me a freaking ton of money.  But nothing has had a deep and meaningful impact on me.  There has been some change, but not the significant change I was hoping for…or that I have needed in order to live a healthy, “normal” life.  And I’m ashamed.  Because, really, it must be my fault, right?  I must be doing something wrong or I would have gotten better by now, right?
 
So I don’t talk about it.  I continue to keep the secret.
 
I’ve heard others talk about things that happened to them long ago.  There’s a guy at work who is open about the fact that he was sexually abused.  People shake their heads.  They think he’s crazy for talking about the fact that a cousin abused him.  And don’t you love it when you hear someone respond behind someones back when they disclose something like this, “It happened HOW LONG ago???  My god, they should be over it by now!”
 
So I keep my secret and try to act like I’m a together person.  I hold my cards close.  But I judge myself and find myself wanting.  And I wonder why it’s still an issue.  I wonder why I haven’t been able to recover.  And I totally blame myself.
 
It doesn’t matter that I’ve tried…and have finally basically given up.  It doesn’t matter that I’ve invested time and money and every resource I could come up with to tackle the massive destruction of my soul.  All that matters is that I can hear the judgmental voice of others playing in my head…why is she still talking about that?…what is her problem?…why isn’t she over it; it happened ages ago…she survived, so what’s the big deal?  Their thoughts have become my thoughts.  Their judgments have become my own.  Shame keeps me locked away in the darkness, afraid to venture into the light.  I have a fatal flaw.  I must not let those around me know.
 
I wear a mask and pretend that I’ve overcome.  I wear a mask and act like nothing happened.  Until I’m alone in the dark of the night when the weight of it all comes slamming down on me and I can no longer deny that I’m desperately broken.  And so very alone.  And there is no one to blame but myself.  Because I SHOULD be over it, shouldn’t I?  Surely by now I should have been able to let the past be past.
 
Why can’t I just get over it?

4 thoughts on “Over It”

  1. You have done a lot of work around your pain. I can really tell because you are so good at describing it! I always tell you how much I like your writing because it is so deeply emotional. It touches me every time.

    One question — have you tried antidepressants? Sometimes the way we berate ourselves can be a sign of depression and can be helped by tweaking the chemicals in our brains. It’s not that you are broken and damaged; perhaps it is a fault in the neurotransmitters. I speak from experience. SSRI’s have their drawbacks but they also help many people.

    Another thought is can you extend yourself to another human being and take the focus off yourself? When I was younger and childless I volunteered to be a companion for the elderly. It was a weekly commitment and no matter how bad I felt going to help I always felt better afterward. Making a difference in someone or something else in the world can help us not feel so insignificant.

    Sorry if this felt like preaching. I don’t mean it to. I’ve been in the place you describe; I know your isolation and feelings of self-hate. It’s the worst place to be, stuck with a negative sense of self. I hope you find a glimmer of hope and offer yourself the self love that you deserve. You are worth it!

    Daylily

    1. I have been on every anti-depressant available, in massive doses, in all kinds of combinations, and nothing even begins to help in any way. In fact, most of them give me vertigo. And I do a lot of things to reach out to others. It helps me to justify my existence, so I think it’s good. Hopefully, I get to touch a few hearts along the way. And I appreciate your suggestions and ideas. I feel like I’ve tried everything, but you are seeing things from a different perspective and you might come up with something I haven’t thought of!! Thanks!

  2. Oh my gosh, you absolutely break my heart. No, you shouldn’t be over it yet because you’re not over it yet. Period. There’s no statute of limitation. It ends when it ends, and that’s when you’re good and ready. I’m so sorry for your pain. I understand the shame of hiding, that alone will keep us from “getting over it”, as you write. The shame is what keeps us bound. Let my words free you – you are buying one of the greatest lies the enemy has ever told – that’s the lie that something is wrong WITH you. That’s simply not true. Something wrong happened TO you, and you’re suffering from it.

    You’ve been given this life by God. It’s a gift and anyone who hints that you should be anything than what you already are is butting his/her head into your business.

    What you need is a hug and a loving assurance that you’re precious and worth spending another 4 decades of whatever work needs to be done to help ease your pain. You’re worth it. And you can heal from anything – no matter how long ago it happened and how long you’ve already tried. I’m living proof of that, my sister. Give it over to God. You’re his child. Let him show you the way and then believe with your whole heart that he will.

    Most people are stuck in their own old wounds and they carry shame about them, and they project their shame upon other people who are hurt so they can displace their own personal shame. It’s a smokescreen for the shame that drives the gossip. They live unconsciously and recklessly with their words. Those people need to go.

    Most people care deeply for people. Find those people and get involved with them. Surround yourself with loving, vulnerable people who want ro grow, and these problems will resolve themselves..You are closer to healing than you think. Let the shame go and you’ll be surprised how quickly it resolves. Blessing to you. I really want to know what happens with you.

    1. Thank you so much for writing and caring enough to respond from your heart. You brightened my day and your encouragement is so appreciated! It means a lot and I am grateful for your acceptance and compassion!!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s