Sanctuary

Years ago, I watched a movie called “Logan’s Run.”  I tend to like science fiction and this movie was pretty interesting.  It’s based on the book, “Soylent Green.” It has been awhile, but the way I remember it, the world has come to a place where there is a shortage of food and life is ended when you reach 30, supposedly because of the lack of resources to sustain the population beyond that age. Everyone has a computerized clock that is monitored by a computer and a police-like military group that oversees the city where people live contained within a dome.  When your clock reaches 30, you are taken to a large chamber where, when activated,  you float upward and disappear as you reach the top of the chamber.  What the average citizen doesn’t know is that everyone who reaches 30 is being killed in the rooms above the chamber and their remains are being converted into food.  And this is the food that is being supplied to the remaining people within the dome.
 
Logan is one of the soldiers who keeps order in the city.  To force him to go on a secret mission, his clock is moved forward from age 28 to30 so that he can be sent into the chamber with a group of suspected rebels who are being monitored and who are expected to attempt an escape.  This group has been overheard talking about a place called “Sanctuary” and they are planning to try to find this place rather than be killed and turned into food.  For they have somehow learned the truth about the chamber, so they are going to make a run for this supposed place of safety.  Hence the title, Logan’s Run.  Logan goes with the group as they attempt to find this mythical Sanctuary. Once found, he is to report back about where it is located so that Sanctuary can be destroyed.  Because it is reported to be a threat to the survival of the people within the dome.
 
During this “run,” Logan sees what is happening to the people who reach age 30.  They are not “going to a better place,” which is what the propaganda has purported.  They are being killed and made into food.  He realizes he has been lied to about many things.  Disillusioned, frightened, his escape become much more than an undercover mission he has been forced to accept.  It becomes a genuine attempt to flee with the group of people he finds himself with; people he bonds with.  But what he discovers outside the dome is incredibly surprising.  In unexpected ways.
 
He is eventually recaptured.  His fellow soldiers, who have become his enemies, hook him up to the massive computer that runs life within the dome and they interrogate him mercilessly.  Then they get to the question, “What is Sanctuary?”   Logan responds truthfully, because he has discovered this truth while outside the dome. “There is no Sanctuary.”  The computer asks again.  Logan responds, “There is no Sanctuary.”  Again.  “There is no Sanctuary.”  And yet again, and again, and again, the computer prods.  Logan can only tell the truth.  The truth is, there is no Sanctuary.  And in responding to being tortured with this unthinkable reality, the computer begins to fry.  It can’t process what it is being told.  Things begin to come unraveled within the dome.  Things stop working.  Things explode.  Cracks eventually develop and finally the dome is split apart, the entire society forever altered as life within the confines of that sphere fail and come to a destructive end.  Because there is no Sanctuary.
 
I think I have finally learned this lesson.  And it’s a hard lesson. Not that there is no sanctuary, specifically.  But there is no place of being okay.  No safe haven.  No space where healing is accomplished.  Where all the wounds of the past are finally healed and undone.  Where the chains that bind are broken and you are set free.  There is no Sanctuary.  No magical spot or time where everything is finally made right.  Not on earth, anyway.
 
Life is hard.  It does things to you.  It is harder for some than for others.  My life has been a hard one.  Abuse…physical, emotional, sexual…riddled my childhood.  I didn’t learn many of the foundational lessons that others learn, so things that come easily to others are very difficult for me.  And I foolishly stayed married to someone who didn’t love me because I thought I had to in order to be a good Christian wife.  The rejection broke me even further.  Deeply wounded me.  But no one gets through this journey unscathed.  Or at least most don’t.  We are all walking wounded.  Some of our wounds are ghastly.  Others are relatively minor.  But we all get hurt.  There is no Sanctuary.  No safety.  No place of freedom.  No guarantees.
 
It’s taken me a lifetime to realize I was seeking something that doesn’t exist.  I hope I can learn to deal with this bleak reality.  It’s a struggle at the moment.  To realize that life, the way it is, is just what it is and that this is all that it is or will ever be.  It isn’t going to get any better.  This is it.  It’s a bitter pill.  One I’m having a very hard time swallowing.  But the truth is, there is no better place, no better day, no moment of freedom, no time of healing.  I am what my life has made me and there is no unmaking the damage.  I can only try my best to go on from here as I am.  I need to make peace with myself.   There is no Sanctuary.  Somehow, I am going to have to learn to live with this.  Learn to live with my broken self. 
 
I’m truly not certain this is something I can do.

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