I’ve been in counseling since 1998. I’m embarrassed by this. I never dreamed I would still be trying to find a bit of healing for my soul all these years later. I’ve gone to my sessions faithfully nearly every week during all of this time and while there have been some discoveries and steps forward, deep and sustainable healing has eluded me. I’m still so broken, it’s frightening. But how do you stop going? How do you stop trying? How do you give up on something like this without giving up on yourself? Without giving up all hope? That has been my dilemma. I’ve always felt, as I did with my marriage, that if I just keep going, doing the right things, trying, working at it, someday it would turn out the way it was supposed to. Someday, I would be healed. Didn’t work out so well with my marriage…maybe there is a lesson to be learned from that experience. Two and a half weeks ago, I started a new job. I’m quite thankful to have any job at this point, considering the economy. But I took a major pay cut, so I’m making significantly less than what I was making before and this company is NOT progressive. It’s like stepping back 15 years in regard to policies and attitudes. No best practices, no empowerment, no partnering with employees. It’s not a good fit for me, but income is income, even if it’s less than what I am accustomed to. Unemployment was only covering the house payment, which leaves a lot of expenses unpaid. I was headed toward homelessness. Now, at least there is a possibility I will be able to survive to some extent financially while I’m looking for a better place to work. But, because of the outdated attitudes and policies of this new employer, taking off an hour early every Wednesday for counseling is an impossibility. There is no “making up time” when you are a salaried individual. They don’t look at it that way. So even though I’m working between 47 and 50 hours a week, taking off that one hour is a major problem. A black mark against me.
A chapter of my life is ending. And I’m afraid.
Maybe it’s no big deal. Like I said, continuing to try and hanging in there didn’t make the marriage better. It didn’t lead me to a happily-ever-after. So, after all these years of trying to heal through counseling, perhaps it’s time to say “enough is enough.” Perhaps it is time to pack it in and admit defeat.
But it’s all I have. It’s my only connection to a different me. It’s my only hope for the future. And I have to let it go. Because I have to work. I HAVE to have this job right now. Even if I sacrifice my personal needs.
I’ve been feeling for some time that I wasn’t getting anywhere and I’ve been very discouraged because of this. Even though he won’t admit it, I have also felt my counselor was at a loss as to what to do with me. I think he’s been perplexed over my lack of progress. I’ve almost felt he has given up on me, in a way. So, considering the fact that I’ve been at a standstill for a long time, that the walls aren’t coming down, the wounds aren’t healing and my soul is still ruptured, it should be obvious what I’m doing isn’t working and letting go of it shouldn’t be that much of a loss. Except. Like I said…it’s all I have. And now, I have nothing.
Instead of making progress, I’m becoming more isolated. Instead of recovering, I’m tumbling back down into the darkness. A nightmare of hopelessness. And there will be no hand reaching out to me to help me climb out of my devastating brokenness. I’m going to have to learn how to live here, the way I am, totally and completely alone. My only hope at this point is that God will grant me a major miracle. Not holding my breath. I’ve gone too long without His intervention to believe God will suddenly reach down and pull me out of this mess…I mean, why would He do that now when He has left me floundering for so many years?
What I’m most afraid of is that this is as good as it gets. And that’s just not good enough. Yet somehow, I have to keep going. I have to make where I am be acceptable. But it’s not.
Truthfully, I think I’ve given up. And that’s a scary place to be. There’s simply nowhere to go from here. I’ve hit an immovable wall. A dead end.
I can’t look forward any longer and tell myself that tomorrow it will be better. I can no longer put my hope and faith in an improved future. I am what I am, where I am and the chances of that shifting in a positive way are slight to none. It would appear the war is over. I’ve lost. And I’m terrified.
I’m just that much closer to closing this sad and disappointing book of my life.