Yes, I’m talking to you. At least I’m trying to talk to you. It isn’t easy for me.
Okay. Here’s the deal. I admit I left you behind. I did. But I did it because I felt like I had to. I felt like someone had to keep going. Someone had to walk out of that bedroom and put in an appearance. Someone had to go on. I didn’t want to. I didn’t know how. I didn’t know what to do or what had happened or what to make of what had happened. I just knew someone had to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. I admit I was mad at you for leaving me alone to do the job. And maybe that was kind of crazy. But you had the luxury of licking your wounds. You got to scream and cry and just lay there all broken and you didn’t have to DO anything. So, yeah, I felt abandoned by you. Maybe the same way you probably felt abandoned by me. But I was trying to do what had to be done so we could both survive. That was all I could hope for. Survival.
You did survive, didn’t you?
I wanted to scream and cry too. I wanted to stay in there with you and never have to move again. Never have to speak. Never have to be strong. I was wounded too. My heart…you?…had just been ripped out of me. My soul was shattered. I was numb and confused and scared. I was sick with the weight of it all. I didn’t feel that I could take care of you, clean you up, hold you, nurse you, and do all the other things I had to do too. Feeling wasn’t really beneficial right at that moment. And you were all feeling. And the feeling was all pain.
You were also completely destroyed. I couldn’t even recognize you. So broken. I was just a kid too. I may have had to act as though I was tough, strong and like I had it all together, but I was just a scared little kid. I mean, you know that, right? Because I’m you and you’re me and we were both really messed up because of what happened to us. We simply couldn’t make it if we stayed together. The situation called for sacrifices to be made. I guess we both made them, in different ways.
I’m not sure why I’ve been so angry with you. I’m not sure why it’s been so hard to…integrate. To accept you. To even acknowledge your existence. Except the pain you hold is so overwhelming, I can’t bear to get too close to you because then I feel it…all that unending hurt. I know that’s unfair and I realize I probably failed you. But by you keeping all the pain and me holding on and being numb, we did live through it. Sort of.
I guess what I want to say to you, at least the main thing I want to say, is that I think we need to try to find a way to repair our relationship. I think I need you. My heart. My soul. My emotions. I think I even need the pain you carry. I don’t want the pain. I am afraid of it. But need is different than want and I think I need the pain because without it, I can’t feel anything. I need to walk through the nightmare you endured when I walked away. When I walked out the bedroom door. Down that hallway. Into a world that would never, ever, ever be the same. Where I had to pretend that everything was just as it had been. Without you. Leaving you without me.
I don’t know how to reach you. Or to reach out to you. I don’t know how to hold you and make you better. To be together. But I want to. Somehow. I didn’t know how to survive either. So maybe, if you’re willing, if you’ll help me, we can help each other. Maybe we can be…friends? At least, if nothing else, partners of sorts?
I was stunned by what happened to us…when the reality of it finally broke through the fantasy world we created to protect ourselves. I was totally stunned numb. I watched you hurting, destroyed, laying there unable to move because you were so shattered, and I couldn’t think, couldn’t feel, couldn’t respond at all. I’ve been avoiding everything you endured for many, many years. And in doing so, I’ve avoided you. I don’t know who you are. I’m very nervous to find out. But if you will allow me to introduce myself, if you wouldn’t mind a little conversation, I think it’s time for you to come out of the shadows. We might be able to help each other. And in the process, we might, just might, find a way to heal. And I think we both need that. Just like I think we both need each other. Even after all the years spent apart.
Would you be willing to spend a little time talking?