Hannah & Zoe – My Two Girls…I Am Thankful They Are In My Life

Thanksgiving.  Everyone loves it, right?  Well, except people who can’t afford food, or who are homeless, or who are alone.  Or people like me, with eating disorders who find it to be a mine field to be carefully traversed and hopefully successfully so.  Successfully as in, don’t eat very much because if you do, you have to purge.  Or people who are sick. Or mentally ill. Or who have lost a spouse to death or divorce.  Or…well, maybe there are a lot of people who find Thanksgiving to be difficult for a lot of different reasons.

Personally, I’ll be glad if I make it through the mine field alive.
I’ve been reading all the Facebook statuses posted by my friends.  All the glorious things they have to be thankful for.   Jobs.  Family.  Marriages.  Relationships.  God.  Friends.  Homes.  Cars.  Food.  Kids.  Abundance.  I’m truly happy for them.  Genuinely.  But I have found it so difficult to join in this year to play the “22 Days of Thanksgiving” game, I’ve not posted one single “Day X…I’m grateful for” sentence.  Maybe that makes me a bad person.  I don’t know.  If so, then it is what it is.  But sometimes life is really, really hard.  Sometimes the scary things hanging over ones head make it difficult to act all “wowie, zowie, ain’t life grand.”  And I’m in one of those times.  A big, deep, dark low spot.
There are things I’m thankful for.  I’m thankful I haven’t lost my house yet.  I’m extremely thankful for my two little Miniature Schnauzers, Zoe and Hannah, who bring so much joy to my heart.  I’m thankful my car starts, even though it’s old.  I’m thankful I still have food to eat.  Clothes to wear.  That the weather has been beautiful and warm.  That my brother loves me.  Even if he can’t help me.  I’m thankful I have a computer and internet service.  And I’m thankful I have some great Facebook friends…a few of whom I actually get to see from time to time.
It’s been 9 years since my ex husband left me, proclaiming his love for another woman.  I haven’t had one single date in that entire time.  I’m painfully alone.  I lost my job at the end of June and it’s not looking all that great for finding another one that will come anywhere close to meeting my needs.  If I can find one at all.  I have a very limited supply of money as a result.  I am already hugely in debt.   So many things keep breaking.  Phones.  Clock radios.  One of my dogs is going to have to go to the vet.  I worry that I won’t be able to take care of my girls properly.  I’m terrified…because there is a very real possibility that I will be homeless in the near future.  I want to believe God will take care of me.  But the terror is hard to contain.  No one is going to come to my rescue unless God decides to reach out and help me out of this horrible, dark place in which I currently reside.  I am battling an eating disorder that is out of control and depression that is deeper than the depths of any ocean.  I’m trying to recover from all the long-lasting, far-reaching after effects of an abusive childhood…one that destroyed my sense of person-hood and self-worth.
I don’t know what I’m going to do.  I don’t know how I will ever be able to keep on living. 
No job.  A brother who loves me, but just can’t understand why I’m such a mess.  No marriage.  No deep, meaningful relationships.  A great fear of God and insecurity about His love for me and His desire to help me.  Superficial, busy friends.  A home I fear will soon be lost.  A 1999 car.  Food, for now, but such a struggle to eat it…or to eat it and not purge.  No kids.  Debt.  The emptiness is overwhelming.
I am thankful.  I am terrified.  I am grateful.  I am lost.  I am empty.  I am praying for mercy.  It could be so much worse. I may be so much worse very soon.  It could get better.  This could be the end.  I don’t know where to turn.  There is no one to reach to for help.  And I am feeling very weak.
If you are one of the fortunate ones who has way more good than bad, I am happy for you.  But I am so sad for me.  So sad for a lifetime of pain and struggling.  And I want so desperately to be where you are.  Not that I’m envious.  Because I’m glad you have what you have.  I just want a little of it too.  I don’t want to have to be afraid.  I want to overflow with thankfulness instead of being overcome by unending fear and insecurity.  I want some love too.  I want to be able to post 22 really substantial things I’m grateful for on my Facebook page while I’m not begging for my life.
I want to be able to be thankful for my life.  And right now, that’s just not where I am.  Because right at the moment, my life is a very, very scary place to be.  And living may not be an option all that much longer.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s