Chilling Reminder

I had a thought today.  Maybe brought on by a rough week.  A week of being really sick with the flu.  Running a temperature of almost 103, having horrible body aches, chills, headaches and feeling so weak I could barely move.  I stood at the toilet heaving my breakfast (on purpose) and the thought suddenly wandered into my brain…”what if this kills you?”
“This” being ED. 
I think I manage my eating disorder.  I usually manage it fairly well.  I think by taking all the right supplements and drinking the right amounts of Powerade Zero and using Enlyten electrolyte strips, I can have my eating disorder and live normally too.  But reality sometimes sneaks up on me.  Taps me on the shoulder.  Reminds me that other smart, creative people thought the same thing.  And they’re nothing but a memory now.  A distant, fading memory.
People think of Karen Carpenter and shake their heads.  They spend a nano-second dwelling on how sad it is that she died so young and that such a beautiful voice died with her.  The next nano-second, they’re on to bigger and better things.  Karen left something beautiful behind.  What would I leave behind?  Anything that would touch anyone?  That would make a difference?  Yep, my blog is going to change the world…not.  I wouldn’t even leave a tiny hole in the vast universe.  If someone like Karen, who had a circle of so many who loved her, many who tried to help her; if she who had so much to give, so much life and who touched so many evokes only a nano-second of reminiscence, I would be nothing but the tiniest of blips on the radar.  Nothing but dust in the wind.  Scattered and gone. Easily and quickly forgotten.  Isolation assures my obscurity.
ED might win.  There are times I teeter close to the edge.  I feel the weakness in my muscles.  I feel faint.  I can barely stand.  Am I really smart enough to stay  that one necessary step ahead?
While I was sick, I wondered at my sanity.  In a fevered, weakened haze, I still dutifully puked everything I managed to eat.  I was so frail, I could barely manage to hold myself upright and it took everything I had to muster the strength to heave.  I knew it was crazy.  But I couldn’t stop. 
ED might win.
If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.
I pray someone will take care of my two little Miniature Schnauzer girls that I love with all of my heart.  I feel bad about the debt I will leave behind.  About my life not counting for anything.  I wanted so much more.  I hoped to be something, to do something special, to leave a mark and make a difference.  I can’t even make a difference in my own life.  I can’t even stop ED from ravaging my body, my finances, my world, my mind.  I’m trying to keep the balance.  I’m trying to stay just out of the grasp of the dark hand of death.  But that tap on the shoulder was a chilling reminder.
ED might win.  I might die from this.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s