Now What?

A new year.  A new revelation.  A new thought.  A clean slate.  Now what?
I recently had an incredible revelation, one that I thought would cause a lot of the dominoes to begin to tumble.  And crash.  And fall.  I was finally able to truly believe that the sexual abuse I suffered as a child under the “care” of my father was not my fault.  Really.  I didn’t cause it to happen.  It was about my father and his failings, not about me or mine.  And because this seems to be such a huge reversal of the way I have believed all my life, I expected…miracles?  Other big things to fall into place?  Other major falsehoods to be torn down, to break apart and be replaced by truth?  Fireworks?  Dancing in the streets?  I certainly expected something more than what has happened, which seems to be mostly nothing.
Don’t misunderstand me.  I’m truly grateful for the new insight.  To be able to see things in a new light from a new perspective is wonderful!  I’m thankful that what I have known in my brain through logical thinking is now something my heart can embrace. 
I just wanted it to make a big difference.  A significant difference. Now. 
It’s not as if I haven’t been working on this for a long time.  I have been in weekly counseling, reading books, going to classes, seeking prayer, trying to straighten out my thinking…which all sounds so easy, but isn’t…for years.  I’ve greeted more “Happy New Years” than I can count or remember with the hope and prayer that this would be the year I finally found some deep healing.  And year after year, I have watched another year slip away without any meaningful change. 
It’s discouraging.  I would probably give up (or have given up long ago) except that I don’t know what to do with myself if I stop trying.  I mean, what do you DO  if you give up?  How do you stop seeking?  Do you sit down and throw a tantrum?  Refuse to go any further?  And how do you stop when life keeps going?  When you still have responsibilities?  When you still have to get up in the morning?  Go to work (if you’re lucky enough to still have a job in this frightening economy)?  Pay bills?  The carousel is going to keep turning with or without you.  The only way I know to truly stop trying is to die.  Jumping off didn’t work out too well for me.  I feel a bit stuck.  So I keep trying because I don’t see a viable alternative.  But it’s definitely discouraging.
I honestly did expect some fireworks with this one.  And maybe they’ll still come.  Maybe they’ll be Sparklers instead of the big booming explosions I hoped to experience.  The awe-inspiring bursts of overwhelming color I wanted to be painted across my sky.  Maybe I expected too much.
My counselor tells me I have made a new discovery and I’m still standing on that piece of ground where the discovery was made, having not yet taken the next step.  The step of, “If it’s not my fault, then who is to blame?”  Exploring that.  Understanding the logical answer with my heart and not just my head.  So the new year begins with me standing yet again at a point of having to take some steps into unexplored, unknown territory.  A new year, a new section of the old journey.  Virgin snow.  Waiting for me to set out, leave my footprints, forge a trail.
I wanted things to simply click into place.  I didn’t want to have to keep trudging on.  I didn’t want to have to explore yet another new pathway.  Frankly, I’m exhausted.  I don’t know how much further I can go.  Not and function.  So as I face the new year and the new journey before me, instead of feeling excited and invigorated, I sort of just want to sit down on this little patch of ground I currently occupy and wait for that miracle I keep asking for.  Because I think I’ve earned it.  And I’m weary.  And this year, I really want to do something else for a change.  Like live.  
I want those dominoes to start falling.  One after the other.  Without me having to shove them all over.  Until I’m healed.  And alive.
That’s my wish for 2012.  It may be unrealistic, but that’s still my wish.  Just this once, I want something to be easy.  Just this once.

2 thoughts on “Now What?”

  1. I like your words and I feel a personal connection to your struggle. I, too, am always looking for “peace” and my life has been one damn struggle to find the end, where I can rest in a sense of contentment. Sometimes, I get glimpses for a day, a month or an hour and I’ve learned to refuel at those times. Your newly recognized sense that it was not your fault is a good place to rest. Enjoy the small but nonetheless, important discovery that you are perfect just as you are. No shame or self-blame. What a relief!

    1. After reading your post I dug through old journals and found a letter I wrote to my mother. You can read it on my blog, I called the post “Incest survivor lays blame at her mother’s feet.” What do you think of doing something similar to officially release the shame and blame you’ve carried. It is a good exercise and quite cathartic. No pressure, of course, just a suggestion!

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