November Poem

I want to say
something uplifting
I want to be
someone who is upbeat
I don’t want to be
a negative person
someone to be avoided
because every encounter
is dark
and depressing
But I’m afraid
that is who I am
I guess I should talk about
pretty colored leaves
the hint of smoke in the air
from fireplaces that still burn
real wood
how blue the sky looks
how cozy my sweater feels
how the brisk air makes me want to move
just a little faster
how Thanksgiving is coming
and Christmas is not far behind
how this means gathering together
with a family
warm and happy
plenty of food
and blessings
and love
But it’s raining in my heart today
and I’m lonely, cold, wet
with no umbrella
My tears blend in with the frigid downpour
my soul aches
my heart is breaking
I am hunkered down
pulled inside
against the harsh environment
of the world
that batters me
the world
inside my head
My thoughts are jumbled
I feel weighted down
the sunshine is but a distant memory
and I cannot remember warmth
have never experienced safety
or security
I walk a tightrope
I fall often
I have been trying for a
very, very long time
to heal
to live
because existing is highly overrated
and brokenness extracts such a toll
destroys all happiness
all drive
all good
Depression takes; never gives
no good gifts, anyway
and I have lost far too many
pieces of me
far too much
has been stolen
does not wait
for one to
pick up the pieces
it goes on
This November day
I am old and alone
I am cold and weary
I am deeply depressed
wanting to get better
wishing for sunshine
wishing to be someone else altogether
disappointed to look in the mirror
and still
trying so hard
but falling short

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