Hurting

I’m hurting today.  My heart feels all drawn in upon itself, wrapped in layers of protection.  Wrapped in tears.  Wrapped in sadness.
 
Nothing especially bad has happened.  Tough, lonely weekend.  Back at work Monday blues.  The norm.
 
But I’m oozing pain from my pores. Wiping it away as fast as I can…can’t let things like this show at work.  Not good for continued employment.  Still, I’m hurting way deep down inside.  Feeling all broken and smashed in there.  Trying to ignore it as much as I can.  Get on with what I need to do.  But it’s difficult.  Pain is distracting. 
 
I want to wrap myself up in a blanket and twist up into a tiny ball. Become invisible.  Lock myself inside of my house, curled up on the couch with my face to the wall, letting the world whiz by me.  Enveloped in silence.  Maybe even sleep for awhile.  Let life wash over me while I rest for a time.
 
But I can never seem to get enough rest.
 
I am very tired and discouraged.
 
I tell myself I will do better.  Every day.  I will clean my house.  I will fix the yard light that is out.  I will paint the bathroom that was destroyed when my toilet leaked.  Get the tile guy in to finish the floor work.  I will go through my closet and get rid of all the clothes that don’t fit.  I will throw out all the unread magazines.  I will go through cabinets and get them in order.  I will organize my jewelry.  I will make headway.  I will get all the pairs of my shoes together in my closet and hang up any clothes that are on the floor.  I will do something about the moles that are tearing up my yard.  I will clean off the back fence.  I will get my dog to the vet for her booster shot.  I will clean off the counters.  I will scrub the shower.  I will NOT buy extra groceries to allow myself to binge and purge without restriction.  I will eat just a tiny little bit of good, safe food and I will keep it down.   I will clean off the coffee table.  I will dust.  I will change the sheets and make the bed.  I will vacuum the carpet and mop the tile floor.  I will clean the windows.  I will play with the dog long enough to wear her out.  I will be a good employee.  I will focus and work diligently.  I will get much accomplished and do a good job.  I will make a difference.  I will get out of bed. I will get dressed.   I will drive to work.  I will go to bed at a reasonable time.  I will not be depressed.  I will not…I will…I will not…I will…I must…
 
Somehow, I must deal with my financial problems.  I only want to cover my head with my blanket and curl up tighter.  I don’t know what to do.  Everything is weighing on me so heavily.
 
I keep trying to get a handle on my debt.  But nothing works the way I planned.  I have yet another medical procedure that requires me to pay yet another $200 to $500 out of pocket.  I’m still paying off past surgeries. I get hit by someone when they improperly change lanes and they deny responsibility, so insurance companies duke it out and I’m out $380 for a rental car while they fight.  Plus extra gas money.  I need to take Zoe to the vet, but I don’t have the money for the booster shot, tests and heartworm pills.  The hottest summer ever cost me the highest utility bills ever, even though I kept my AC on 80 degrees.  I’m out of contacts, but can’t afford them right now.  On and on it goes.  All I do is pay bills. Juggle.  I can’t even begin to pay off the massive amount of credit card debt that buries me alive.  I’m so ashamed.  I don’t know how I got into such a mess and I don’t know how I’ll ever get out.
 
Today, I need to lick my wounds.  Maybe try to sit in the sunshine for just a little bit and see if the warmth will permeate my soul.  What I really need is a hug or two or three.  Maybe even someone to hold me.  A lick from my dog will have to do.  A blanket to cover me will have to substitute for being held.  The pain is unrelenting.  Today, I need to step off the planet for a bit and forget that I am me.
 
I will try to be better tomorrow.  I will try very, very, very hard.  I will dust.  I will focus and work diligently.  I will get much accomplished.  I will not be depressed.  I will clean my house…

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