Excuse Please

I need some ideas.  Really. 
See, here’s the deal.  I’m quietly coming unraveled inside.  Major crash and burn.  Example.  I walked by a hammer I had laying out for a project I need to work on and I seriously started to pick it up and bash myself in the head.  Kinda surprised me.  Kinda didn’t.  I’m in so much emotional pain and distress, I can’t stand myself and I can’t bear to go on hurting this way much longer.  I regret practically everything in my life, I don’t seem to be making progress toward a better tomorrow, I’m in so much financial trouble I don’t know how I’ll ever dig out, my car is old, my refrigerator is old, I’m old, I’m alone and such a disaster, my chances of not being alone for the rest of my life are about the same as my chances of winning the Publisher’s Clearinghouse ten million dollar prize (which, in case you wondered is about a kazillion, bazillion, trillion to one).  I keep getting sinus and respiratory infections that cause me to miss more work than I should, so I feel like the lowest form of employee and am scared to death I’ll lose my job.  I’m fighting major depression, an eating disorder, a case of self-loathing that just won’t stop, all the damage from an abusive childhood and feelings of absolute worthlessness.  When I almost picked up the hammer today with thoughts of caving my head in, I realized my life just isn’t working (hmmm…maybe a slight understatement).  I may be seeing two counselors, one psychiatrist and attending a sexual abuse survivors group, but I need help!
Which is where you come in.  With your ideas.
See, I need help, but I don’t want to inconvenience anyone.  I don’t want to be a bother.  I don’t want to dump or overload or gross anyone out.  I mean, this is, after all, all my freakin’ fault!  Well, maybe the childhood sexual abuse I experienced and the damage it did isn’t “technically” my fault.   But the fact that I’m still having trouble with all the damned damage IS my fault because I SHOULD BE OVER THIS BY NOW!!!  Right?  I should.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I’m not and that I can’t seem to find a way out of the messiness of me.  I hate myself for being such a mess.  But I need help and I’m totally isolated and I don’t want to bother anyone.  Nor do I have anyone who is all jumping up and down to help me out and take care of me.  Not that they should.  It would just be a little easier if everything didn’t fall on me.  But life ain’t easy, right? So…ideas?  How does one completely fall apart without getting any goo on anyone else?  How does one lose it without inconveniencing others?  How do you fall to pieces and still function? Preferably without hammering in your skull…
I already feel like I need to go around apologizing for myself and ask people to excuse me for being such a worthless piece of shit.  And if I can’t keep it all together, at least to the level I have been…oh, my God.  There won’t be an apology big enough to make that one right.  I’ll be doomed forever.  People will see me coming and RUN FOR THEIR FRICKIN’ LIVES…and with good reason.  “It’s the old crazy woman who can’t get over it, Harry!  She’s oozes yuckiness!!!  Run!!!  She might be contagious!!!”  At that point, even my Facebook friends, most of whom I never ever actually see, will unfriend me in a nanosecond.
So how do you fall apart, nicely and gently, without losing the very few distant friends you have, without losing everything you’ve worked for and tried so hard to accomplish and then pick up the pieces and go on a better person?  How do you get through the pain without the pain killing you?  Without it destroying you?  It’s already ripping me apart.  I’m missing limbs and serious organs here.  Damned if anybody really cares (oh, they’ll pray for me…from a distance) even though I’ve been careful not to do more than spill a couple of drops of yucky me here and there. I’ve tried to hold it all in…all but just the little bit that escapes from that pesky overflow valve!  I’m trying to be polite!  I’m trying not to be a bother! I’m trying to do it by myself without letting anyone down!
Truthfully, I guess I haven’t worried too much about this whole “process” before ’cause I thought it would eventually work out.  You know, just suddenly fall into place and make sense and all would be well with my world.  I would have a nice inspirational ending for my book, which would be published and that would make all the the nightmare I lived through and the horrible struggles worthwhile.  But I’m starting to worry and it’s getting my attention because it’s suddenly very scary and hard and painful and I JUST CAN’T DO THIS ALONE.  I can’t.  But I have to. Somehow.  Or die trying.
And I am trying, with all the energy I have.  I’m trying so hard to get over it, but “it” doesn’t seem to want to be gotten over.  “It” is hanging on.  I don’t know what to do anymore.  I don’t know how much longer I can put the smile on my face and go out the front door acting like all is well in the world.  I’m scared.  Terrified.  One breath and the facade falls apart.  The mask shatters.  One more fracture and I’m history. 
Please excuse me if I lose it and forget to be polite and ask for your forgiveness, should I happen to come completely unglued and do something inappropriate.  If I beat my head in with that hammer, I’m not sure I’ll remember to ask, after the fact.  And that hammer is looking pretty darned good, truthfully.  Anything to stop the pain.  Because I’m getting very close to the point where I just can’t do this anymore.  Something. has. to. give.  Pressure. is. building.  Hammer. is. tempting.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s