Breaking Into Pieces

Everything is breaking into pieces.  My dreams lay shattered at my feet.  My heart is dust within me.  My soul has been blown apart into a million tiny shards.  My world has never been secure.  But it has never been more insecure than it is at this particular moment.   I feel as if I am walking through a hurricane, surrounded by tornadoes that are emerging from every direction in the middle an earthquake while trying to avoid all the flooding that threatens to sweep me away at any given moment.
 
Who would have thought that my parents could have wrought so much devastation in my world?  Who would have thought that my father, specifically, would have such a deep, destructive, long-lasting impact on my life?
 
I guess father’s do…have a huge impact in the lives of their children.  They have an awful lot to do with how well the foundation is laid.  Perhaps most children don’t find themselves needing to actively apply all of their resources toward negating that impact and tearing up that faulty foundation.  I guess in most cases, you get a lot of good with some bad and some neutral.  No father is perfect.  But the goal is to end up with a pretty solid  structure, ground to ceiling.  Luck of the draw, my father was sick and twisted and the foundation created under the direction of my parents was worthless, unsafe, unable to bear any weight.  My luck again, I am a highly sensitive personality type, so the abuse cut deep and permeated every particle of my being.  Maybe abuse does that to any child, but from what I have learned, I was especially susceptible and more deeply wounded as a result of some of my personality traits.
 
I have not always acknowledged the damage.  I’ve run from it, denied it, created a fantasy world where all was well, steamrolled full speed ahead in trying to overcome it, and suppressed it.  Where there was dessert, I pretended to see trees.  Lush, shady, filled with life.  Covering me.  Where there were craters, canyons, fissures, I pretended there was solid ground and walked on.  Where there was shifting sand, I conjured up strong and massive rock from the thin air.  Where there were hideous storms, I created shelter and pretended to be safely hidden within.  I made do.  I kept going and going and going, just like the Energizer Bunny…and then I kept going some more.  Until I crashed and burned.  Until I couldn’t go another step.  Until the thin veil of unreality was suddenly punctured and I began to take a look through the holes.
 
What I have been seeing and discovering has been horrible. 
 
I have lived in a dream world.  My entire life.  I made it a softer, gentler place through the sheer force of my determination not to face reality.  I know enough now to know that I’m still not totally looking the truth of my situation right in the eye.  Like I said, I’m just peeking through the holes in the veil.  But those holes allow me to catch harsh glimpses of a reality that is worse than my worst nightmare.  Everything is falling to pieces.  Especially me.
 
I’m told I should be angry…probably am angry on some deep, unknown level.  But I feel stunned.  I still can’t believe my eyes.  I’m SO BROKEN.  I keep wandering around the piles of debris in silent disbelief.  I can’t grasp it.  Can’t fathom what happened to me; that I am in this state.
 
I ran so hard.  I tried so diligently to go on.  I have worked incredibly hard to get better and to triumph.
 
But I am left with only pieces.  Tiny, miniscule bits and pieces of life.  Of what I was meant to be.  Of who I have become.  Of a life that is destroyed, empty, lonely, difficult.  I reach out my hand and there is nothing to grasp but air.  Dust particles.  Pieces of a little girl, unloved, beaten, sexually abused, deeply wounded, who left her heart behind and tried to live without everything that a child needs to grow and develop.  Barely able to find enough to survive.   I am lost in a wasteland, surrounded by debris, hideously twisted.  The ground shakes.  Large holes open up beneath my feet, causing me to fall into vast craters where I am forced to claw and climb, inch by inch, back to the top of the pit, only to be plunged into another moments later.  The wind is howling, ripping at me, abrading my skin.  Slapping me and throwing me about.  Gigantic waves wash me out to sea.  I struggle to gasp a breath of air before I am sucked under.  I am battered.  I am broken.  Everything…my life, my heart, my hopes, my desires, my needs, my beliefs, my soul, my spirit, my wants, my longings..it is all nothing but dust blowing in the wind.  Pieces.  Millions of pieces. Tossed and crushed into unrecognizable shapes.  Trampled.  Ripped and torn. Scattered and lost forever.

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