My heart hurts today. It aches…well, maybe this would be considered more than an ache. It feels like there is something inside me clawing on my soul with it’s fingernails. Clawing and ripping, trying to get out. The emotional pain has become physical pain. I want to cry, but I can’t. I want to hide away, but I can’t do that either. I’m at work. Work must go on, I must perform, I must not show weakness. But it’s hard when my heart hurts so badly. When the pain is so constant; so present. I want to curl up in a little ball somewhere and become invisible. Lick my wounds. Just be. Not do.
I feel so unwanted. So worthless. So lost. So alone. So empty.
I don’t know why I’m feeling the pain this persistently and prominently. Most days, the ache is fairly dull; something I carry with me always, but that doesn’t butt in so rudely. I think I have an ocean of pain in there and sometimes the tide is high…it pushes and surges and tries to come out. Other days, the tide is low and the shoreline recedes to the point I can barely see the water, much less hear the crashing waves. Today is a high tide day. Today, the waves are crashing hard on the shore. Today, they threaten to wash me out to sea.
I long for some stability, some security, some hope. Perhaps I long for things that don’t exist. Perhaps that is one of my problems.
If my pain is the ocean, my problems are the sand upon the shore.
And my soul is but dust blown away on the stiff salty ocean breeze.
I know I need to go for a swim; own my pain. But I am fearful of the things hiding in it’s depths. And I’m not sure I can swim. Drowning is unappealing. I fight the tide that seeks to draw me further out, further in. An ocean of pain is overwhelming when one doesn’t know how to survive in such treacherous waters. I’m quite unsure of how much longer I can survive, even on the shore.
I think I’m going to drown no matter what I do.