What I Want

I had dinner with friends last night.  These friends are pretty special…the kind of friends you can be fairly honest with.  The rare kind; they’re real and genuine people.

After we had eaten the meal my friend prepared (which was healthy and delicious, by the way), we went to the living room to talk.  They have some big changes coming up in their lives because of some hurtful events.  But they are fairly optimistic about the future, considering, which totally amazes me.  As we were talking about what they are facing and how they feel about it, the conversation drifted to me and what’s going on in my life (hate that). Out of the blue, my friend’s husband asked me, “What do you want in your life that you don’t have?”

I pretended to think for a moment, but truthfully, the answer came to me instantly.  It pierced me to my core.  Because the one thing I want in my life that I don’t have, the thing I want more than anything else I can think of is simply…love.

I’ve never been loved.  My parents didn’t love me.  My husband didn’t love me.  I’ve never been wanted, cherished, protected, cared for, delighted over or loved.  I would like to get out of debt.  I would like to not have to work so hard for everything.  I would like to experience peace and security.  I would like to find an end to the struggle.  I would like to be healed.  But the first thing that jumped from the depth of my heart to my head when my friend asked me that stirring question was the word “love.”  I was overwhelmed with how badly I want to be loved.

I want to love someone too.  I want it to be a two-way street, a deep connection, where we lean on each other, support each other, adore each other.  I’ve been around long enough to know it won’t always be wonderful.  In fact, I’ve had a whole lot of life not being wonderful.  I’m good at it.  Hate it, but I’m equipped to deal with pain, hurt and rejection.  Is it too much to want to have love?

That’s what I want.  Foolish heart.  Silly woman.  Always asking for too much…

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