The universe is vast. I am a dot, a tiny, minuscule blip, barely discernible, rarely noticed. I am feeling lost in the overwhelming immensity of the cosmos. I am alone and I am lonely.
I am so alone, so lonely, it hurts both emotionally and physically. I feel the pain ripping through my chest as well as tearing through my heart. It is not a good feeling. There is nowhere to turn for relief. No one to reach out to who will hold me until the awful throbbing ache and shredding subsides. I have been crying out to God, but He seems to be otherwise occupied on the other side of the universe. I need His arms to swallow me until the panic has released its hold. I need Him to embrace me completely until I can breathe again, but He is keeping His distance and that adds to my pain. I am calling; crying…but He isn’t answering. Sometimes I do not understand God at all.
I am tired of being a broken, screwed up mess. I am tired of being so needy and lonely and isolated. I want to be wanted. I want to be loved. I want to be a real person who lives a real life…not someone who is so depressed, all I can do it try to make it through another hour; another day; another week. The nothingness of it all is overwhelming. It destroys me totally. I am undone.
I am too icky to be around people. But in this moment of darkness and aloneness, I desperately need someone who can care, even though I don’t deserve it. Even though I’m in no way worthy of their love and care. In this moment of destructive, wounding painfulness, right now, when it’s killing me,taking me to my knees and making me completely worthless…this is when I need a loving touch more than at any other time. This is when it would matter the most. This is when it would make an incredible difference.
But the touch doesn’t come. The universe is infinite and cold. I am lost among all the clutter and I am completely, utterly alone. The pain that swallows and consumes me is no comfort at all.