Have you ever felt like a failure? Like everyone around you is special and wonderful and worth so much more than you are because you can’t get your act together while they so easily can? Can’t quite live up to expectations? Can’t quite perform up to standard? Heck, can’t even begin to live up to expectations is closer to the truth. And that’s the way I feel all the time. All. The. Time.
Oh, I do a few things right. Yes, even I get a few things correct! But I do SO FEW right, it’s downright discouraging, disgusting and depressing. I try to perform…try really hard. Just can’t do it any more. I’ve completely run out of steam. It’s always been hard. But now…now, it seems utterly impossible. My house is a disaster, my relationships are dismal and disappointing, my work is devastating, my heart is discouraged, (I’m on a “d” theme today, it seems) and I’m downright deplorable and dreadful. O.K. Enough with the “d’s” – I’m done!
I have no truly close relationships. There are people I care about who care about me and I’m thankful for every one of them. But I am hard to connect with. I seem to have a Teflon coating that keeps me in and keeps them out. I don’t want it to be that way. But connecting is HARD. I’ve forgotten how. My connector doesn’t work any more. Even though some of them (friends) are trying very hard to get through my shell, I still can’t connect. Heck, I’m trying very hard to get out of my shell, but that’s not working either. So I sit in here alone, lamenting the fact that I’m failing as a friend and am unable to forge a deep relationship with anyone. That’s a major failing. And it’s painful.
At work, I give it my all, but my all isn’t much. I’m so burned out, which scares me because I don’t know how to make myself arise from the ashes of my former “capable” being. I truly used to be quite good. I used to be able to get so much done! Now, I’m moving at the blinding speed of…plod. Everything is hard. Just getting myself out of bed to go to work every day is hard. The drive to work is tedious. Heck, getting out of my car to walk in the building seems to take major effort! How ridiculous is that?!?
My mind doesn’t seem to be as sharp as it used to be either. It used to function quite well…I was quick and picked things up quickly and did everything I did at a quick pace. I could concentrate, get the details, focus, analyze, problem solve, organize. Now, I can’t concentrate long enough to read a paragraph. And problem solve? Forget it! My problems continually completely overwhelm me. I don’t even know where to begin most of the time. Pathetic!
Nothing works the way it’s supposed to work any more. I’m not getting the things done I should be getting done. I’m isolated and don’t know how to change that. I can’t even find God most of the time and He’s supposedly reaching out to me, so it shouldn’t be that hard to find Him. But it is…for me… Work isn’t working, home isn’t homey / comfy / secure, life isn’t life-giving (more like “life-destroying), church isn’t spirit-renewing or encouraging…all because I’m failing. I’m a highly successful failure…whoopee…
Major FAIL. That’s my new name. It fits me so well.