That’s life..stuff to deal with and more stuff to deal with. Comes at you all the time. From everywhere. Anyone else relate?
I don’t deal with life’s stuff very well. I am terrified of the future. Tormented by the past that has broken me and won’t let me out of its gnarly grip. Afraid I won’t be able to do what I need to do today to successfully navigate all the stuff that comes my direction. I’m tired of being broken. Tired of being scared. Tired of being tired. And I’m really, really tired of being alone in an empty life.
I’ve been alone forever. I was totally and completely alone as a kid when I was being abused. There was nowhere to turn and no one to turn to for help. I did try to reach out a couple of times: once to a teacher and once to a pastor of a local church. Both times, I was told to stop lying. You see, my parents were respected in the community. My father was a teacher and the police judge in our small town. Everyone knew they wouldn’t abuse me! Especially not sexually abuse me…not my teacher/judge father! So I was not believed and I had no one to reach out to from the nightmare I lived each day. Then I was married for 22 years to a man who told me he didn’t want to hear about what was in my heart or mind. He wanted me to keep it all to myself and not bother him with the “yuck” that was inside of me. He liked my parents, thank you very much. And, by the way, he didn’t love me, so why should he have to put up with all that garbage inside of me? I saw myself as nothing more than an object to be used, so I accepted his tolerance of me as the best I could hope for and stayed with him. Of course, I died inside over the years. And I died even more when he left me because he fell in love with another woman. Can you understand why I’m tired of being alone…and why I say I’ve been alone forever? Even when I was with other people, I was alone. It’s a dark place. I would like to live in a place that isn’t so dark.
The future scares me because I’m getting old enough now, I don’t relish the thought of facing this phase of my life without a partner by my side. Getting old and sick when you’re alone just isn’t appealing to me. Getting old and sick “period” isn’t appealing, but doing it alone…not really something to look forward to! I need a hand to hold. A heart to share with. A mind to probe. A shoulder to lean on. Someone to walk with. Someone to share with.
Today is frightening because I am barely hanging on. Depression. Eating disorder. Financial problems. Laundry. Job. Doctors / counselors. Dentist. Taking care of my dog. Cleaning house. Running errands. Church. Isolation. Dishes. Cleaning the bathroom. Changing light bulbs. Getting the car serviced. Having the toilet fixed. It all seems very overwhelming, probably mostly because of the mental health issues. How will I ever find someone to walk with when I’m so stupidly and completely messed up? Who would want me? I can’t even stand me, so why would someone else want to hang out with me? Life looks bleak…
Alone is a hard, dark place. I know. I’ve lived there for a long, long, long time. I wish I could move to another neighborhood.